Where did it all begin? This quest, this journey, this search? Call it what you will but this adventure surely began somewhere? Or did it...? As far as I can tell, looking back not much has changed. From a flower child growing up on the shorelines of New Zealand, to this flower child exploring the shorelines of the world, I am becoming more aware of the constant stillness inside me. The unchangeable light, the spirit that was not born, did not begin, and will not die or ever end.
Sure there have been many chapters, when this external self presented herself as one stereotype to the next; the curious child, the awkward preteen, the rebellious teenager, the party girl, the confused young adult, and back to the curious child which is how I feel now. It's as if this whole new world as been awakened to me, and the last few years of exploring it, of delving deeper into the 'journey' only now looking back I realise how far I have come. Yet also how far there is to go, meaning maybe I have not come so far at all. Is it relevant? Probably not. For time and distance are measurable, yet this search is not.
It is still not completely clear, yet at the same time so incredibly clear. At times I am so certain of this divinity, this pure soul, yet at other times my mind revels in the shadows, reminding me that they are there still, dwelling, ready to take over at any moment. In this present time so many of our species are taking some sort of medication to fight these shadows. The darkness. The depression. This illness is something I have struggled with for so long now, if I think closely, for as long as I remember, the shadows, the darkness, there, waiting, ready. But mostly I can pretend, I can shine the torch into the corners and tell myself there are no monsters under the bed. No monsters in my head. But then the next day its as if the torch batteries went out, and I am back to where I began. Sad, alone, scared and vulnerable.
In yoga we are taught that we are pure light, and this light is happy and divine. In Buddhism it is taught that we are of emptiness, the emptiness of essence that endows compassion, joy and light, and the Traditional Chinese teach that we are of both light and dark, equal and opposite, yin and yang. I am still coming to terms with each of these philosophies and working hard to understand the connection, I can feel this light and I can feel this dark. Finding the balance seems to be the key, the only way live in the emptiness that Buddha describes, that meditation presents, the light that is our true nature.
So although I teach asana and I teach meditation, I am a student first and foremost. I have my days of balance, I have my days of ecstasy, and my days of depression. I am on this path, this winding road, learning and walking my way towards the light. I hope you join me, and perhaps I make no sense, or perhaps you can relate, and we can walk this path together.
With love and light,